Big Whizzy

What a difference a President makes!

2010-03-25T16:02:00.000-07:00

Whoa! The Big Whizzy has been spinning around so fast that we forgot to post for a couple of years!

So let's see what's going on...holy crap! Bush ain't preznit no more, no more! Some guy named Obama is President?!?! Who's he? A Democrat (good)...from Illinois (better)...a community organizer (does he sell moonshine?)...Black?! Did I wake up in bizarro world? When did Mericans start voting for black democrats?

And he passed Health Care Reform! Health coverage for all you say?! Whoa. You are mandated to buy it from insurance companies and not the gub'mint? Well, Republican'ts should like that.

Wait. What? They don't? They want to repeal the whole thing? And replace it! Replace it with what? Single payer? No... then what? Oh, they haven't really said. Doesn't surprise me.

Well, I say let's leave it as is and see what happens. I need to go to the doc anyways, I'm kinda dizzy from all the spinnin'!!

Big Whizzy Exclusive: John McCain Eats Babies!!

2008-09-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

There have been rumors circulating in certain circles for awhile now. Some have said that John McCain has an appetite for (shudder) babies. I didn't want to believe it, but the rumors have grown louder in recent days.

Some have said that the reason you don't see John McCain kissing babies on the campaign trail is because he cannot control his desire to eat babies and if his mouth gets too close, he cannot stop himself. Others have speculated that the reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate has less to do with her being a woman as it does with the fact that she has a baby (in addition, her daughter's recently disclosed pregnancy is seen by McCain as an added bonus).

Now some will dismiss this talk as pure speculation, others will say it's a vicious attack intended to smear the candidate. First, let me say that I believe John McCain has served our country admirably and with honor. Even though he is responsible for the destruction of 5 US navy planes, his experience as a P.O.W. recuses him from anyone making attacks against his poor judgement.

Secondly, he cannot help that while a P.O.W., his captors tortured him (Bush's definition of torture not withstanding), forced him to eat babies, and sign a confession against the U.S. government. Unfortunately for Sen. McCain, he has not been able to shake those awful memories and the taste of succulent baby.

As I said, while people have been making these accusations for years, only recently have people from inside the GOP circle been leaking more and more information.

For example, this video from Bush supporters back in 2000 tries to distance the President from McCain by showing that McCain tries to keep his hunger under control by NOT kissing babies. Sadly, they use the video to taunt McCain into kissing the baby in an effort to show him as a baby eater.

Other Bush supporters have quietly been saying that the reason McCain is so adamantly behind the Right to Life movement has little to do with his religious beliefs and more to do with his gluttony for baby. I, for one, don't believe they should be questioning the candidates religious beliefs.

Earlier this year, the candidate himself goofed up during one of his first public speeches and let it slip that he thinks about boiling babies even while talking to the press. A source has posted this video found in one of McCain's seven homes that really drives the point, um, home.

Apparently, there is now an ad on the air from a concerned mother asking John McCain not to eat her baby. It's hard to believe it has come to this.

Finally, in the documentary "There's Something Strange About John", a final ascertation about McCain's motive for eating babies is revealed. This may finally shed light on the reason McCain is willing to stay in Iraq for 100 years.

How can we trust John McCain as President, when we can't even trust him around babies?

This has been a Big Whizzy exclusive.

Whizzy Telecom Immunity

2008-06-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

So it looks like the W admin will get immunity for the telecoms on tapping Americans' phones. Maybe the telecoms should be given a pass for allowing the government to listen in indiscriminately. But if we give them a pass, then the President gets a pass too.... doesn't seem right. The "if the Pres says its legal, it's legal" defense is a very slippery slope.
And they should remember that come November when Obama is elected.

Big ThanksWhizzy

2007-11-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

Whew, the First Turkey was pardoned the other day. Well, actually, Second Turkey would be more accurate, since Scooter already received his pardon. Will Fearless Leader or the Puppet Master one day receive a pardon? Time will tell.

Happy Gobble Day!

W and the Big Whizzy

2006-04-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

This one is for all the Bluenecks out there who are looking for another decal for their ~~pick-up~~ Volvo. Many thanks to Red State Values for the image!

Who would you rather have in power?

2006-03-29T12:30:00.000-08:00

Wake up you liberals!!! You cowards!! Weak on national security!!

I suppose you would rather have Saddam Hussein in power still? Killing innocent Iraqis and reigning terror down upon his people with WMD's!!

No! Our Fearless Leader has taken him out of power. Now the gentle Iraqi people have a democratically elected government. Now innocent Iraqis are free. Free to be killed by other Iraqis not of their sect and suffer under a reign of terror by the terrorists with their IED's!! It took America over 60 years to reach a point where we had a Civil War...it only took the Iraqis 3 years! We have a lot to learn from our new allies.

I also suppose you nabobs of negativism would prefer the Taliban still be in Afghanistan, rather than the new democratic government we helped put in place? The Taliban, who terrorized the non-Muslim populace of the country, putting them to death. Now, the non-Muslim people of Afghanistan are free to worship as they see fit and be threatened with death by the new democratic government!!

All Hail the Fearless Leader! God Bless America!

Get Busy with a Big Whizzy

2006-03-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

Wow. The Big Whizzy here at Big Whizzy spins around and around very fast making lots of noise!!

But the Whizzy for Women at this site does a wee bit more!!

Big Whizzy Oscar Update

2006-03-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

Wow! Another fabulous night at the Big Whizzy Oscars!! Here is a list of the winners:

Best Picture - Crash

Best Director - Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain

Best Actor - Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote

Best Actress - Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line

Best Supporting Actor - George Clooney in Syriana

Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener

and in what might be considered a surprise and definitely a Big Whizzy Oscar first....

Best Original Song - It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

Thank you for checking in and see you at the movies!!

Big Whizzy Security

2006-03-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

OK. So what if we're going to let corrupt governments with ties to terrorists run our ports? Big Whizzy deal. The Fearless Leader has said that nothing bad is going to happen. He's looked into it. And that should be good enough for you. Remember when he looked into that other government with WMD programs and their ties to terrorists? He fixed that didn't he?

Look how Fearless Leader has been strong on terrorism. We are fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to fight them here!! We are fighting the terrorists in Afghanistan so we don't have to fight them here!! Soon, we will be fighting the terrorists in Syria and Iran so that we don't have to fight them here!! You will never have to fight the terrorists here, if you are lucky enough to still be here once we have deployed to all of those other points of the globe.

And if by some off-the-wall, one in a million type chance that some terrorists dare to attack us again, we will be ready. Fearless Leader is prepared. Remember how quickly and decisively things were taken care of in the past?

So sit back, relax, everything is going to be okay. You're getting sleepy...sleepy. Your eyelids are getting heavy....

Big Whizzy Cupid

2006-02-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

"Oh no! It's Valentine's Day and I haven't got anything for my sweetie!" You say in a kind of shock associated with being hit over the head by the obvious.

"Don't worry yer purty little head," I say, affecting a southern drawl and intentionally not lookin' at your mouth. "Big Whizzy Cupid will be here any moment to solve yer problem!" I sits down on a stump and wait.

Just then, *POOF*!!! Big Whizzy Cupid appears in a cloud of smoke and mirrors.

"Heh. I'm here," says Big Whizzy Cupid, holding his shotgun and lookin' like he could've used another glass of metamucil this mornin'.

You approach him from behind and shyly ask, "Can you please help me Big Whizzy Cupid?"

"Huh? Grouse?!?" says Big Whizzy Cupid, whirlin' and firin'.

You go down like a sack o' Paris Hiltons' on a Greek playboy.

"See," I say. "I told ya he would solve yer problem. Now you don't need to get yer sweetie anything."

"Moe! Larry! The cheese!!" Shouts Big Whizzy Cupid.

I shove some Roquefort in the big angel's mouth and lead him away to the ambulance.

"Don't worry," I say "Karl will take care of everything. Don't forget to take your heart meds."

Big Whizzy Bowl XL

2006-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Al: Welcome to the AnKaiser-Bush/National Fubar League Big Whizzy Bowl XL Review Show. I’m Al Mykills and with me is John Maddening.

John: Well Al, I think this year’s Big Whizzy Bowl matchup between the Warattle Warhawks and the Blitzsplurge Stealers was everything everyone thought it would be.

Al: True, these two teams came in cut from the same cloth and were very evenly matched.

John: Yeah, Warattle came in very humble, touting their strength on defense, but pointing to the other team’s size advantage and ability to create chaos and injury.

Al: And as we saw from the game, that was a bit of an exaggeration about their opponent’s weapons of mass and destruction.

John: Exaggeration? Heh, I’d call it an outright lie. Now on the other side of the coin, the Stealers came in with a bit of an edge. They started the season saying they’d be conservative with their payroll, but Boom! ended up throwing money around like a drunken sailor. Then they refused to negotiate with their star player, Hal Burton, and signed him to a no-bid contract early on and refused to leave any of their other free agents exposed.

Al: Well, in fairness, they did expose one agent.

John: Yeah, true, but nobody really paid any attention to that incident.

Al: And really, Warattle has had their scandals too. Remember, the head of the Warhawks has been accused of stealing signals, even from members of his own team!

John: Yeah, heh, you have to wonder about stuff like that. But they both did what they needed to do in order to say “mission accomplished” and get to the big game.

Al: In some respects, the Stealers were lucky to be here. In an earlier playoff game, they were clearly beaten, as indicated by the score, but they were able to get the referees to review and overturn the score, giving the Stealers the conference championship.

John: Right, and they used that momentum in this game, Boom! taking an early lead on the Warhawks with another questionable play that the referees called in favor of the Stealers. Heh, I guess it helps when you get to appoint the refs uncontested.

Al: But let’s give the Warhawks some credit here. They started by using a trick play and then relied heavily on their much touted “9-11 changed everything” defense.

John: Right, but in the Big Whizzy Bowl, the “shock and awe” of long bombs and lightning blitzes will only take you so far. You have to have men on the ground, grinding it out. You just can't send 10 men out on the field. And it would have helped if they had the proper tools to do the job. Heh! I mean, these guys just didn’t have the proper body armor from the get go. And the other team was throwing a lot of improvised stuff at ‘em.

Al: And let’s face it, there was just no way to keep up with the Stealer’s money.

John: They have so much money you have to wonder where it’s coming from!

Al: Well, I can tell you. It’s coming from the corporations! The Stealers’ new skyboxes and their fancy lobbies.

John: And in the end, the Stealers’ beat the Warhawks 21-10. Another Big Whizzy Bowl testament to Good Ol’ Parity in the National Fubar League.

Al: This just in, John. Looks like we’ve been duped again. Turns out that Warattle and Blitzsplurge were the same team all along! And there’s nothing that the American public can do about it!

John: Hand me that turkey leg, wouldya Al?

Big Whizzy Government

2006-02-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first assembly of Big Whizzy Government! Pull up a chair and cuddle up with a lobbyist.

Things are dire indeed across the land. The terrorists are threatening our freedom (to print cartoons). We are stretching our servicemen and women in order to cover wars in two countries and possibly maybe three (third time's a charm, they say). Our poor, confused elderly are increasingly confused and made poorer by our attempts to help them with Medicare Part D (the D is for Disaster).

Be afraid, but know that our Fearless Leader is fearlessly defending us, all the while confirming that we should be afraid because He knows things. Things that He found out by listening to private messages and conversations. Don't be afraid that they were your private conversations and messages, because they weren't, as far as you know. But what He has heard would frighten you, if He were allowed to tell you what He's heard, which He can't, because then those who would frighten us would know that He knows what they know. And then they would cease talking about the frightening things that He is listening to that He can't tell us about. At which point things would get very frightening.

But now is not the time to talk about these inconsequential matters. Now is the time to talk about matters of consequence. Such as the way the government will be spending your hard-earned* tax dollars. We are happy to report that the government is taking in fewer of your* tax dollars than ever, now that we have slashed taxes on the top 2% of taxpayers! Also, while the government is spending fewer of your tax dollars, it is also spending more of your non-tax dollars! This way, the government is getting a bigger bang for your non-buck! And rest assured, the increase in jobs* is related to the tax cuts and not the deficit spending!! Nor is it in any way related to a misunderstanding of the data!

More good news, citizens. Fearless Leader has published His budget and while we will see an increase in defense spending, many non-essential expenditures will be cut back or simply eliminated. So if you were concerned that the government would waste money on Education, Transportation, or Justice...well, you can quit worrying!

Good night and good luck!

*those of you lucky enough to have jobs

The Big Whizzy Bang

2006-02-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

*POP*

"Whooooaaaaa..... where am I??," you say in that really annoying way that you do whenever you are confused and unsure of yourself.

You are in the Big Whizzy.

"Welcome," I say, sort of off-the-cuff-like not sure if I really mean it. "Stay if you like, but don't expect a free lunch. This is the blog-o-sphere and food isn't on the menu."

Turns out you're not hungry. Not for food, anyway.

Good. Then you are ready.