Big Whizzy

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Big Whizzy Exclusive: John McCain Eats Babies!!

There have been rumors circulating in certain circles for awhile now. Some have said that John McCain has an appetite for (shudder) babies. I didn't want to believe it, but the rumors have grown louder in recent days.

Some have said that the reason you don't see John McCain kissing babies on the campaign trail is because he cannot control his desire to eat babies and if his mouth gets too close, he cannot stop himself. Others have speculated that the reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate has less to do with her being a woman as it does with the fact that she has a baby (in addition, her daughter's recently disclosed pregnancy is seen by McCain as an added bonus).

Now some will dismiss this talk as pure speculation, others will say it's a vicious attack intended to smear the candidate. First, let me say that I believe John McCain has served our country admirably and with honor. Even though he is responsible for the destruction of 5 US navy planes, his experience as a P.O.W. recuses him from anyone making attacks against his poor judgement.

Secondly, he cannot help that while a P.O.W., his captors tortured him (Bush's definition of torture not withstanding), forced him to eat babies, and sign a confession against the U.S. government. Unfortunately for Sen. McCain, he has not been able to shake those awful memories and the taste of succulent baby.

As I said, while people have been making these accusations for years, only recently have people from inside the GOP circle been leaking more and more information.

For example, this video from Bush supporters back in 2000 tries to distance the President from McCain by showing that McCain tries to keep his hunger under control by NOT kissing babies. Sadly, they use the video to taunt McCain into kissing the baby in an effort to show him as a baby eater.

Other Bush supporters have quietly been saying that the reason McCain is so adamantly behind the Right to Life movement has little to do with his religious beliefs and more to do with his gluttony for baby. I, for one, don't believe they should be questioning the candidates religious beliefs.

Earlier this year, the candidate himself goofed up during one of his first public speeches and let it slip that he thinks about boiling babies even while talking to the press. A source has posted this video found in one of McCain's seven homes that really drives the point, um, home.

Apparently, there is now an ad on the air from a concerned mother asking John McCain not to eat her baby. It's hard to believe it has come to this.

Finally, in the documentary "There's Something Strange About John", a final ascertation about McCain's motive for eating babies is revealed. This may finally shed light on the reason McCain is willing to stay in Iraq for 100 years.

How can we trust John McCain as President, when we can't even trust him around babies?

This has been a Big Whizzy exclusive.

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