Big Whizzy Bowl XL

Al: Welcome to the AnKaiser-Bush/National Fubar League Big Whizzy Bowl XL Review Show. I’m Al Mykills and with me is John Maddening.

John: Well Al, I think this year’s Big Whizzy Bowl matchup between the Warattle Warhawks and the Blitzsplurge Stealers was everything everyone thought it would be.

Al: True, these two teams came in cut from the same cloth and were very evenly matched.

John: Yeah, Warattle came in very humble, touting their strength on defense, but pointing to the other team’s size advantage and ability to create chaos and injury.

Al: And as we saw from the game, that was a bit of an exaggeration about their opponent’s weapons of mass and destruction.

John: Exaggeration? Heh, I’d call it an outright lie. Now on the other side of the coin, the Stealers came in with a bit of an edge. They started the season saying they’d be conservative with their payroll, but Boom! ended up throwing money around like a drunken sailor. Then they refused to negotiate with their star player, Hal Burton, and signed him to a no-bid contract early on and refused to leave any of their other free agents exposed.

Al: Well, in fairness, they did expose one agent.

John: Yeah, true, but nobody really paid any attention to that incident.

Al: And really, Warattle has had their scandals too. Remember, the head of the Warhawks has been accused of stealing signals, even from members of his own team!

John: Yeah, heh, you have to wonder about stuff like that. But they both did what they needed to do in order to say “mission accomplished” and get to the big game.

Al: In some respects, the Stealers were lucky to be here. In an earlier playoff game, they were clearly beaten, as indicated by the score, but they were able to get the referees to review and overturn the score, giving the Stealers the conference championship.

John: Right, and they used that momentum in this game, Boom! taking an early lead on the Warhawks with another questionable play that the referees called in favor of the Stealers. Heh, I guess it helps when you get to appoint the refs uncontested.

Al: But let’s give the Warhawks some credit here. They started by using a trick play and then relied heavily on their much touted “9-11 changed everything” defense.

John: Right, but in the Big Whizzy Bowl, the “shock and awe” of long bombs and lightning blitzes will only take you so far. You have to have men on the ground, grinding it out. You just can't send 10 men out on the field. And it would have helped if they had the proper tools to do the job. Heh! I mean, these guys just didn’t have the proper body armor from the get go. And the other team was throwing a lot of improvised stuff at ‘em.

Al: And let’s face it, there was just no way to keep up with the Stealer’s money.

John: They have so much money you have to wonder where it’s coming from!

Al: Well, I can tell you. It’s coming from the corporations! The Stealers’ new skyboxes and their fancy lobbies.

John: And in the end, the Stealers’ beat the Warhawks 21-10. Another Big Whizzy Bowl testament to Good Ol’ Parity in the National Fubar League.

Al: This just in, John. Looks like we’ve been duped again. Turns out that Warattle and Blitzsplurge were the same team all along! And there’s nothing that the American public can do about it!

John: Hand me that turkey leg, wouldya Al?

Big Whizzy Government

Welcome to the first assembly of Big Whizzy Government! Pull up a chair and cuddle up with a lobbyist.

Things are dire indeed across the land. The terrorists are threatening our freedom (to print cartoons). We are stretching our servicemen and women in order to cover wars in two countries and possibly maybe three (third time's a charm, they say). Our poor, confused elderly are increasingly confused and made poorer by our attempts to help them with Medicare Part D (the D is for Disaster).

Be afraid, but know that our Fearless Leader is fearlessly defending us, all the while confirming that we should be afraid because He knows things. Things that He found out by listening to private messages and conversations. Don't be afraid that they were your private conversations and messages, because they weren't, as far as you know. But what He has heard would frighten you, if He were allowed to tell you what He's heard, which He can't, because then those who would frighten us would know that He knows what they know. And then they would cease talking about the frightening things that He is listening to that He can't tell us about. At which point things would get very frightening.

But now is not the time to talk about these inconsequential matters. Now is the time to talk about matters of consequence. Such as the way the government will be spending your hard-earned* tax dollars. We are happy to report that the government is taking in fewer of your* tax dollars than ever, now that we have slashed taxes on the top 2% of taxpayers! Also, while the government is spending fewer of your tax dollars, it is also spending more of your non-tax dollars! This way, the government is getting a bigger bang for your non-buck! And rest assured, the increase in jobs* is related to the tax cuts and not the deficit spending!! Nor is it in any way related to a misunderstanding of the data!

More good news, citizens. Fearless Leader has published His budget and while we will see an increase in defense spending, many non-essential expenditures will be cut back or simply eliminated. So if you were concerned that the government would waste money on Education, Transportation, or Justice...well, you can quit worrying!

Good night and good luck!



*those of you lucky enough to have jobs

The Big Whizzy Bang

*POP*

"Whooooaaaaa..... where am I??," you say in that really annoying way that you do whenever you are confused and unsure of yourself.

You are in the Big Whizzy.

"Welcome," I say, sort of off-the-cuff-like not sure if I really mean it. "Stay if you like, but don't expect a free lunch. This is the blog-o-sphere and food isn't on the menu."

Turns out you're not hungry. Not for food, anyway.

Good. Then you are ready.